tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post196431765078648508..comments2023-10-08T03:26:46.509-05:00Comments on stories.: Story: Life & Death, Horror & Theft. Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03740742655832666388noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-25996199073129489792016-11-06T14:10:12.852-06:002016-11-06T14:10:12.852-06:00First off, I love the alphabet concept you’re usin...First off, I love the alphabet concept you’re using to tie all your stories together into one portfolio—it’s a nice touch, and it caught my interest right away. You did an excellent job threading in the monk’s motivation from the start, so it made total sense that he would want to steal the book and use it for his wife. I think it’s the little details here that really elevate the story—things like the mother looking over and mouthing an apology to the monk before she chucks her kid in the fire (which, you know, wow). Those details are great for helping immerse the reader in the story, and they also made for a pleasant read.<br /><br />Speaking of the infanticide, though, it does feel pretty random. I get that it was in the original story, and you made it work pretty well here—but it doesn’t seem to mesh very well with the more grounded interpretation of the story you’ve got going here. If you wanted to keep the demonstration of the book’s power but also keep the more realistic tone you’ve got going throughout the rest of the story, maybe the kid could choke on his dinner or something. That said, it was a nice twist and definitely caught my attention, so I also understand if you prefer to keep it. It just seemed to distract from the monk and his issues, when this totally dysfunctional family seemed a bit more interesting than him.<br /><br />You might also consider putting the story in a larger font and breaking it up into shorter paragraphs, just to make it easier to read. But this was a great story, and I love what you’ve done with it. Very nice job!Jenna Morrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10806982600269338233noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-52854066257062288762016-11-06T13:50:03.803-06:002016-11-06T13:50:03.803-06:00Sara, the detail in this story is great. I could i...Sara, the detail in this story is great. I could imagine the entire story in my mind like a movie. I don't know what you did to make it so visual, but you did a great job. When the mom threw her son into the fire, I was shocked! I think I had to re-read that part because I couldn't believe it. I still wonder what made him act out like that. I am stuck on the ending because I am confused about why the monk was burst into flames. Yes, I want him to bring his wife back to life, but then again he should be punished. Did the parents do it because he stole their book? Were they witches? The open ending makes me wonder, which I'm sure you intended. It does seem appropriate that he is punished for stealing from them. However, burning to death seems a little much. Fairy tales spare no expense for the dramatic, right? This story took me on a journey of emotions while communicating the themes of theft and murder. The consequences for these things are grave and the monk now knows that. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17957522280498076541noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-19147920886969151872016-11-05T21:45:45.681-05:002016-11-05T21:45:45.681-05:00I love your portfolio. Totally at awe! I think i...I love your portfolio. Totally at awe! I think it is very unique how you create a haiku for each letter of the immoral alphabet. They explained each letter very well. I especially like the haiku for letter M because it gave a lingering feeling after reading it. As for your story, it is very descriptive. The imageries that you used in the story is very detailed, which gives me chill especially on in the first paragraph and the part where the mother burned her son. The images that you included story play well in supporting the storyline. There are two things I want to point out: first, the first two paragraphs have slightly larger font than the rest of the story; second, the font’s size that you chose is a bit small, which make it difficult for reader to read. It would be night if you enlarge the font a bit. Overall, you did an excellent job!Eoshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05430524442154308303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-87080349048812578012016-10-21T20:57:03.470-05:002016-10-21T20:57:03.470-05:00The poem you added to the beginning of each story ...The poem you added to the beginning of each story was a nice touch, and it definitely added some more depth to your portfolio. The rhymes were well-thought out and flowed well. You definitely drew the reader in, and made us wonder what events he actually saw. I also liked how you described the setting in detail. Your portfolio theme is super unique as well! <br /><br />I think you did a great job, and I don’t think you have any major problems you need to change. My only thing was that maybe you could add dialog between the characters? This is probably more of a personal preference though.<br /><br />Good luck with the rest of your portfolio! Taylorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05417070667123330307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-47045594449555118222016-10-21T09:37:18.324-05:002016-10-21T09:37:18.324-05:00Woah. I love how you started that! The short poems...Woah. I love how you started that! The short poems add drama right off the bat. Your descriptions are great. I’m really able to get into the story when it is so easily painted in my head with your words! Okay this might be a little graphic but maybe when he smells the roasting food he instead smells his wife burning at first? I was in the room when my mom had a wart burned off (sorry this is all so gross) and it was a smell like nothing else…very nasty. I was not expecting that ending… or the middle for that matter! What an intense story. You really kept me on the edge of my seat throughout the story! Your story flows so well and I am jealous of your ability to write so strongly about tragedy and intense scenes. I had a hard time creating the same kind of feel in only part of my story and you did such an amazing job throughout the entirety of yours! Not only did you depict fear but sadness, shock, desperation and curiosity. Really great job on this! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04901235131742831376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-21474767464160665422016-10-13T12:02:27.403-05:002016-10-13T12:02:27.403-05:00This was a great story. One of the things that wow...This was a great story. One of the things that wowed me the most about it was your amazing detail. You did a great job at bringing everything together. The flow was great and the characters were very interesting. That is a cruel thing that happened to the kid. Was it only because of a temper tantrum. I feel like you should add some backstory to maybe add another level to why he was punished to death. This is some John Snow stuff, being brought back from the dead. One thing I would suggest be answered is, is there any difficulties or problems with bringing people back from the dead? Most every story I have seen has some repercussions with magic being used to that degree. Overall though it was a great story and I don't have much feedback because it was well written.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01491039862843571286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-36653169704711677852016-10-10T05:57:46.269-05:002016-10-10T05:57:46.269-05:00This was a pretty crazy story. Good gosh I think i...This was a pretty crazy story. Good gosh I think it's a bit harsh to punish a kid with death just because he's having a temper tantrum. Even if they can bring him back he still went through the pain of dying in the first place. I'm also hoping they don't try that again before realizing their precious book is gone because... uh oh! I also think it was kind of nice how you left it on a bit of a cliff hanger. It's pretty easy to infer from here what the monk wanted to do with the book even though you didn't tell us specifically. I would, however, have liked to read more since it seems like there's a lot of potential to go wrong there too. Myths just tend to end poorly like that I think.<br />One bit of criticism, you might want to make more paragraphs. I found reading really large blocks of text a bit difficult and you might want to break them up and add spaces for accessibility. It would also help to separate ideas a little more clearly. Other than the paragraphs and kind of wanting to read more of what happened after it cut off (although I know it was in your author's note so that satisfied it a bit), I think you did a wonderful job with your story here.Danica Foremanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07683048168538886774noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-55780682191064931512016-10-09T16:34:31.592-05:002016-10-09T16:34:31.592-05:00The detail and creativity in your story is truly a...The detail and creativity in your story is truly amazing. I wish I were half as creative with my own writings. You managed to so much description and tell a full story in under a thousand words and it was really well thought out and portrayed. <br />I have very little feedback for this story because I feel it is already close to perfection. I am curious about one thing, is there any consequence to using magic to bring back the dead? It seems in tales there is always some type of payment for magic. I would like to know if there is one here. <br />Also, I believe there is a typo in the first paragraph. "Despite to freezing air", I think it is meant to say despite the freezing air. <br />Both very small contributions to a very good story. I really look forward to the rest of your portfolio as your writing is captivating. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16841316209174032600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-44934811999813840102016-10-02T18:25:44.675-05:002016-10-02T18:25:44.675-05:00Hi!
I also did my reading over Twenty-Two Goblins....Hi!<br />I also did my reading over Twenty-Two Goblins. It is a great little story. The amount you were able to change is amazing and I'm pretty jealous that I wasn't more creative. I think we have very similar taste when it comes to stories, so I look forward to seeing your portfolio and seeing what you do with your theme!Toni Phillipshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04809243201230118060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-80610368683409889732016-09-25T11:10:55.041-05:002016-09-25T11:10:55.041-05:00This is a great story Sara.
Keeping with your po...This is a great story Sara. <br /><br />Keeping with your portfolio's theme of immorality, you can maybe incorporate the strong emotions of sadness and loss that the monk is feeling due to his wife's death causing him to act immorality and to steal the book from the family. What if the family does not notice it is gone and they throw their son into the fire again only to find out that they cannot resurrect him? How terrible would that be?<br /><br />Also, monks generally are not allowed to marry as their faith is to the church and to no other. Maybe you could go into detail on to how the monk immorally broke his vows to marry a woman and then give some backstory on her death, though it sounds like she was stricken with a disease.<br /><br />I really liked this story and I look forward to reading your others.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16812966038798016403noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6618621274221550317.post-11281090325542731232016-09-22T17:06:27.519-05:002016-09-22T17:06:27.519-05:00Hey Sara!
First of all I just wanted to say that ...Hey Sara!<br /><br />First of all I just wanted to say that I think you're a really great writer and I really enjoyed your story. I actually read the 22 goblins story last week and thought it was a pretty intersting one. I liked the adaption you took from the monks point of view. I thought it was very erie and fun to read. I hope I get the opportunity to read more of your work throughout the semester. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12946765806143909284noreply@blogger.com